On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Randomize
