My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
