you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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