I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize