in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
