You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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