I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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