We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
