she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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