if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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