who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize