I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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