I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize