You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
FUCK WHALES
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