I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
