In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
