Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
