i would punch a child for taco bell
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
