The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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