Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Why are your pants in the freezer?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
