Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
