My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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