This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
I want to have your abortion
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
