Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
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