Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
you had me at cake vodka
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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