i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
