When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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