I'd wear matching sweaters with you
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
