Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
