i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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