woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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