i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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