Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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