today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
