Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
