i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
