please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
