I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
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