when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
