Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Oh god it's open bar.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize