i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I have aggressive nipples.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
