So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
