last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
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