i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
