can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
