Well douche your snatch and let's go!
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
