There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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