You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
