I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
