you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
