I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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