No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
