Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
