Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
