I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
and she was petting her beer can
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
this hospital has no fireball
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
