You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
