you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize