I'm jealous of your bromance
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
