Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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