Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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