he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
