I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
